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Evaluating The Men You Date

5/18/2004

Evaluating The Men You Date
Finding the right partner.Six ways for women to evaluate the men they date: - honesty and truthfulness - openness - general atmosphere - interests,attitudes and aspirations - commitment and companionship - consideration and kindness Excerpted from: Dating Advice For Women www.ladydontbelonely.com Lawrence J. Danks

Looking for the right partner? Sometimes the search can be long and unsatisifying. Here are six important things that can help:

Honesty and Truthfulness
This should be at the top of the list. If a man doesn't have this, the rest of it doesn't matter much. Love can't survive without trust. You need someone who you can rely on always to tell you the truth. Otherwise how do you know when it is the truth and when it isn't? This is the foundation that relationships are built on. By the same token, you should be invariably honest with the man you have the interest in. He deserves the same degree of assurance that you want.

Openness
For the reasons mentioned, and also to determine the quality of communication you're going to have in the relationship, openness is something you need to look for. You shouldn't have to pull things out of a man regularly. There would very likely be other things there that you weren't successful in pulling out. If you feel you're getting frequent resistance to efforts to learn what you'd like to know about someone, find someone else you can have a full degree of trust in. The ability to communicate well and easily is elemental to a successful relationship. If the communication doesn't flow easily, he's probably not the one for you.

General Atmosphere
When you are together do you genuinely enjoy each other's company and have fun together? Can you spend a lot of time together -- effortlessly? Does it all seem very natural? This is the way things should be.

If you are on edge and uncomfortable most of the time, something is making you that way. A little bit of nervousness and trying to get a sense of each other early on is not unusual, but with time you should be relaxed with the whole thing. If you are not, try to identify why and talk about it. If it can't be resolved, you probably haven't found the right man yet.

Any type of aggressive behavior, including someone's being blantantly sexual early on when you aren't in agreement, someone who is rude to you or others, or someone who is restrictive and controlling: "I don't want you doing that", is good cause not to keep seeing someone any more, particularly after you have made it clear that you didn't like it.

Interests, Attitudes and Aspirations
Explore his interests and what he is looking for. Try to see if you seem to be on the same page not only on interests, but about general attitudes and the future. You need not agree on “everything”. What you're looking for are “deal breakers”, e.g., you're looking for someone to spend a substantial amount of time with and he tells you he plays golf everyday. You want to spend more time traveling. He doesn't like to travel at all. He's a bigot and you take people how you find them and treat them equally, irrespective of race, religion or ethnic background.

Commitment and Companionship
Does his commitment seem real and deep? How is he as a companion? Do you have fun together and really enjoy each other's company, even when you are not "doing anything"? Love alone isn't enough. A study indicated that commitment to one another and companionship were the two most important characteristics found in lasting relationships.

Consideration and Kindness
Notice whether he seems to be trying to please you or himself. Look for kindness. When the opportunities present themselves,watch how he treats or refers to others: his former spouse(s), your children and family, his family members, store clerks, waiters and waitresses and others he encounters. If he treats or talks about them like dirt, somewhere down the line when the heat dies down, you will be likely to get the same treatment. Avoid trouble. Leave now. You want “what you see is what you get”, not an actor playing a role.

There is someone out there for you. It just takes time and dedication to purpose to find him. But it's time surely worth taking when it can add a fulfilling new dimension to the rest of your life.