Everyone Remembers Their First Time

First Personal Experiences

With stories on ‘friends with benefits’ and promiscuous sexual behavior, teen sexuality is often portrayed in the media as trivial and inconsequential. Yet the truth is that for many people, first sexual experiences are a major event; they live within us for years to come and often impact our lives in significant ways. In his new book, ‘First Love / Remembrances’, author Howard B. Schiffer went around the world and interviewed a wide variety of people (young and old, gay and straight, different economic backgrounds and cultures) about; their first time having sex, their first time making love (often two entirely different experiences) and their first romances. ‘First Love’ follows the heart’s journey as we begin to enter the world of intimacy and beckons young people to enter this territory with their eyes and hearts wide open.

Sex is trivialized, minimized, demonized, romanticized, and fantasized about in our culture but there are few opportunities for teenagers to learn the real truth about sexual experiences. Howard B. Schiffer is trying to change that. ‘First Love / Remembrances’ is a collection of stories from people around the world about their first time having sex, their first time making love (often two entirely different experiences) and their first romances. Newly published by Heartful Loving Press, Santa Barbara, California, ‘First Love / Remembrances’ is a powerful, honest and moving insight into this major rite of passage.

“Today the media is saying sex is a throwaway thing, no big deal.” Schiffer says. Yet these interviews from a wide collection of people; men and women, gay and straight, from all different backgrounds, say something entirely different. “I spoke with hundreds of people and interviewed people from 23 years old to 88 years old and no one, not one person forgot their first time. And most remembered it with amazing clarity.” The impact is enormous and yet because no one is talking about their first time, teenagers are left to find their own way. It’s like sending them out to play blind mans bluff next to a cliff. The stories in ‘First Love / Remembrances’ begin to take the blindfold off.

“Our stories have been lost to a large degree” Schiffer says. Because of parent’s own embarrassment about opening up the dialogue and confusion over not wanting to encourage their teenagers, nobodies talking. Teenagers are left with their friends, the media, the internet, pornography and possibly a basic sex ed class to begin to understand their sexuality. Not the best sources of information. Teens are left with little insight into the implications of these first sexual encounters.

The surprising thing in reading these stories is the commonality of experiences. Boys trying to pretend they know, girls not enjoying their first time but being embarrassed to say anything, and the awkward fumbling and silent negotiating as people struggle to find their way. “In the midst of all of the confusion and discomfort, I was stunned to see how the soul always tries to rise to the surface.” Schiffer says. He goes on, “You can see how we’re all just trying to find connection. How we all just want someone to look at us and say, I see you!”

Schiffer was inspired to write ‘First Love / Remembrances’ by the rewarding experience of talking with his son about sex and relationships. A former midwife who studied with the founders of the home birth movement, Schiffer is a founding member of the Santa Barbara Men’s Community and the founder and executive director of Vitamin Angel Alliance, a nonprofit humanitarian organization. Schiffer is also the author of How To Be The Best Lover: A Guide For Teenage Boys (Heartful Loving Press, 2004), and How To Be A Family – The Operating Manual (Heartful Loving Press, 2004).